The brand new year finally came – at least that’s what everyone’s been saying today. My body witnessed the arrival, but my hangover head can’t remember much.
I could not force myself to give 2016 a closure with a new post. I don’t deal particularly well with goodbyes and already have a serious issue with brooding till I bleed. Rounding up the more and more things I can think of that I have not achieved last year seemed like a daft idea. This time, I let the past stay in the past.
So I closed the old, creaky door silently and now I’m clutching the shiny silver handles, about to shake off the drowsiness and the headache and slip through the front entrance, straight into 2017.
I thought, long and painfully, about giving you a glimpse of my resolutions copied from last year’s list I barely scratched the surface of. Reading 50 books was never possible, BUT maybe this time?
No. If it hadn’t worked, it most likely never will – the change of the last digit won’t help much.
So I came up with an alternative plan. A way of saying ‘hello!’ to yet another January that won’t weigh me down into the deep blues straightaway by giving me unrealistic goals to tick off as soon as possible. I’m already a happy member of the confidence forge, aka the gym and I eat my veggies with pleasure too, so leave me the fuck alone.
But there’s more to life than fitness and weightloss, so it seems. There are problems that remain inflammable even when your fat burns. A more narrow waist also certainly did not make me a better person this year.
So, these resolutions won’t strive to fill the so-called ‘room for improvement’ with promises that’ll make me want to whip my back with barbed wire whenever I won’t keep them.
Instead, I present to you the 10 things I will try and stop punishing myself for doing or not doing, having or not having, feeling or not feeling.
Not writing enough. Writing is a passion of mine that hasn’t been celebrated much for the past year. A thing I forgot how to do and lost the will to try and learn it back. But it will, in tiny steps, patter its way back to me. I won’t rush it anymore.
Sleeping for too long. I’ve been obsessed with catching the rays of sun before everyone else can, but too much carpe diem can be deadly. Sleep is life and I will try to remember that.
Paying too much for food. Now that I’ve joined the path of conscious eaters, I’ve been buying better produce and a bigger variety to cook with. Cooking gives me heaps of joy and eating well can’t cost as little as a Rustlers burger. I shall be keeping that in mind from now on.
Wasting time. A person who always thinks the workload isn’t heavy enough, will constantly feel like they’re wasting time and should work till they drop and then start right back again. A day in bed with a person you love is just as important as another 500 words into your essay. Maybe not from the viewpoint of university tutors, but still. A little bit of waste does you good.
Getting a bad grade. This is very primary school – silly of me, but I can still hold the grudge for days and overthink what I could have done better and how I’ve drifted away from First Class Hons already. Nobody’s perfect, so I am planning to cut myself a steaming slab of slack every so often. Not too chunky though, we don’t want to get lazy, do we?
Not working out enough. Sometimes I even get out of the gym unsatisfied and thinking I should have trained harder. It’s okay, even encouraged, to push boundaries and reach for more, but it comes with seeing gym as something you love and are not forced to do (more about that in a future post). This year, I wish to practice more gym love, not gym hate.
Not pursuing a Masters degree. With all the sh*t I’ve been getting for choosing to step away from education (for a year, or two, or a lifetime), the questions and raised eyebrows have started to make me question my decision too. But it’s okay to follow your own heart sometimes and see what comes out of it. So let me find out for myself, pretty please.
Not having a graduate career lined up. Yes, that’s very much on my mind as well, even though I haven’t even graduated yet. But when the time is right, the search will begin. If it’s fruitless, working as a waitress for another year won’t make me retarded. I need to chill the f*ck out, seriously.
Being homesick. I’m an only child and leaving home was a massive step for me, but it doesn’t mean I completely cut the cord. It’s looser, but it’s always there. I love my parents, my Grandma, our family house and the feeling like I have an actual home and not just live temporarily in a highway motel, which my university room sometimes feels like. It’s okay to miss things and people, and come back to them. It doesn’t make me any weaker.
Looking in the mirror too much. This is stupid and a little sad, but I wanted to mention it. Looks are important to me and it’s taken me 21 years of my life to accept myself and learn how to practice self love each day. It doesn’t make me Lady Vain, and if I find more things that I like seeing rather than focusing on the ones I wish to hide, it can only be a good habit.
Now this list is out there for the universe to see and for me to go back to when I reach for the whip again, mental or physical. Constructive criticism over punishment, more self-acceptance and more trust.
2017, I am ready to enter and join the party now.
Just don’t pour me any more gin, okay?